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By James J. Callahan, Jr.
I devised a few psychological and practical routines that helped with my visits to my 97-year-old mother in a nursing home that might be helpful to others. First, I allocated a generous and fixed amount of time for the visit, so that I did not feel harried or cheated out of free time. The allocation was two hours, which included a 25-minute drive each way, a minimum of 30 minutes with mother and, additional time talking with the nurses about her status, checking laundry, rearranging her room, etc. I was usually home in less than two hours and savored the few minutes saved as a time bonus for the rest of the day.
Second, I always asked her how she felt, and if she had a cold, infection, temperature, or the like, conferred with the nurses and then gave her a full report. I never lied or tried to downplay her situation, because she knew it better than I did, and if she could not trust me to tell her the bad news, she would never believe the good news. One time, I asked about her recent eye doctor visit and she told me he didn’t have much to say (it was a she). I reported the doctor’s findings-moderate cataracts, no glaucoma-and her memory of the visit improved, her questions were resolved, and she had one less worry.
Third, I always brought news; a grandson bought a house, another grandson has a new girl friend, my brother, who lives in Europe, is skiing in the Alps, someone has been sick, the war in Iraq continues (the Iraq war worried her and others at the nursing home whose reference point is WWII). I made sure that she expressed her opinion on the girlfriend or the skiing as it kept her involved. And, when I needed sympathy and to give her a chance to express her maternal responsibilities, I reported on my own troubles.
Fourth, I brought pictures. Even with glasses she had trouble reading, but recognized people and places in photos. Obvious photos were those of new babies and current celebrations, but old photos of weddings and vacations sparked her memory and discussion. I constantly learned new facts about the family.
When my mother passed away, I stopped visiting the nursing home, but if I visit one in the future, I will be better prepared as a result of my own visiting experience.
This article is used by permission from the Massachusetts Association of Older Americans, Inc. and first appeared in their newspaper, "The Older American."